Helping Children Cope After the Violent Death of a Family Member
Non and then long ago, a sweet kid in my customs—my kids' buddy from preschool—was killed in an accident. For a total twelvemonth, I descended into dark periods of deep grief. Fortunately, I besides oftentimes rose to the occasion, cooking for their family and continuing strong for mine. The kids describe that twelvemonth as "the time when mommy cried a lot." The horror and disbelief and deep loss when a kid dies are truly unimaginable, truly indescribable.
There are a lot of families in Berkeley who are probably in that hard place right now. 2 weeks ago today, a kindergartener dear to the Berkeley campus was killed in a traffic accident. He would accept been half dozen yesterday.
It is hard plenty as parents to deal with our own stiff feelings when children die. But how in the earth practise nosotros also aid our children cope with their grief?
The grieving process itself is very dissimilar for kids than it is for adults. Because kids' capacity for sustained intense emotion is limited, they may feel bouts of sadness and anger simply then go off to play or immerse themselves in activities. This can be confusing to parents, who misread the child'due south ability to play and laugh as an indication that either the child is no longer grieving or doesn't understand what has occurred. Neither is truthful; the behavior is a defense mechanism that protects kids from becoming overwhelmed.
Depending on historic period, kids understand death to varying degrees.
- Infants under 3 may notice an absence in their immediate world, but most likely practise not understand the deviation between a temporary and permanent absence.
- Preschool kids usually see death as reversible, temporary, and impersonal. Their deceased loved ones might return, just as drawing characters on television miraculously recover. Most kids under v do not realize that everyone, including themselves, will eventually die.
- Kids betwixt five and 9 begin to see expiry as final and to sympathise that all living things die, but many all the same believe that it may just be possible to escape through ingenuity.
- By historic period ix or 10, most kids understand that decease is last, permanent, and inevitable.
Grief also usually lasts longer for kids: parents will need to revisit and readdress the loss at different points in the child'south life, especially during important events (like birthdays and graduations). Because kids oft take difficulty articulating their feelings, grief tin can manifest in a multifariousness of conflicting ways, including emotional daze or credible lack of feeling, explosive anger, acting out beliefs, fears of abandonment or expiry, young behavior, or repeatedly request the same questions.
Hither are some more than research-based ideas for helping kids cope with death:
Give them information. When asked what helps grieving kids most, Dr. Grace Christ from Columbia Academy says, "Information technology is difficult to overestimate the importance of giving children information at all stages." Parents can help kids understand how and why a death occurred in simple, honest, historic period-advisable terms.
Don't tell half-truths. Saying things like "your uncle went on a trip" can prevent kids from developing constructive coping strategies. Vague euphemisms (referring to expiry as "sleep" or "eternal residuum") are similarly problematic because they can be frightening and confusing.
Let kids talk about it. Repeatedly. Kids demand to have opportunity to put their feelings into words. They may be anxious about the prophylactic of other loved ones or themselves. Or they may exist feeling guilty well-nigh times they weren't prissy to the deceased, or pitiful thinking nigh opportunities they missed to bear witness affection. Kids will do better if they tin can limited feelings like these to people who can provide the description and reassurance they need to heal. Encouraging other expressive outlets like drawing, painting and playing can also help.
Find means to award and remember the deceased. Research shows that instead of focusing on letting go and moving on, maintaining a link to the loved 1 tin can provide comfort and solace. The "continuing bonds" theory suggests we tin can movement through grief by creating a new bond to the lost person. Activities might include putting together a memorial, gathering photos and creating a special album, or reliving memories together.
Read relevant books together. Books are oftentimes a wonderful mode to assistance kids understand expiry. Kids may also project their feelings onto the story characters and engage in a dialogue in a non-threatening way.
Encourage expiry games. Kids volition sometimes play "expiry games" in which they phase deaths, funerals, and other imaginative happenings. This type of game is a constructive way for kids to talk most expiry and work out anxieties in a relatively safe space.
Finally, we parents need to call up and honor our own demand to grieve. I did improve helping Fiona and Molly cope with our friend'due south expiry once I had started to have care of myself and my own grief. I needed to allow myself (and my kids) some time away from our everyday activities to grieve and heal.
Grieving is an ongoing process, not an isolated event. My heart goes out to all those families who are in grief right now. If your family unit has dealt with a significant death, delight help other families by calculation your comments and suggestions (what are some good child's books for coping with death?) for how you lot healed beneath.
© 2009 Christine Carter, Ph.D.
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Source: https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/helping_children_cope_with_death
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